Ahh...welcome welcome. Come in come in...thank you for stopping by.

*****WE INTERRUPT THIS REGULARLY SCHEDULED SWAP-BOT TO BRING YOU THIS IMPORTANT MESSAGE:

Yes- I was here before. Unfortunately, I had a family emergency happen and it took me a hot second to recover. Thankfully, we survived the lame pity party that followed and I would like to rejoin the masses. IF you'll have me. If you have any concerns, please just ask.

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO THE REGULAR SWAP-BOT PROFILE.*****

Allow myself to introduce.....myself. My name is Lisa and I pee in the ocean. (also known to pee in pools buts that's neither here nor there...)

I say the cuss words. frequently.

*quick side-note: if you get any of the references I use, congratulations-we're now best friends. call me...

I enjoy the funny things in life. There was a time that I thought I was funny. But then I had a kid. Now I have a 7 year old replica of myself walking around and let me tell ya.... smart-ass remarks are funny...but not when they come from someone's mouth who's not even 4 ft tall.

I used to think I was cool until that small walking mirror proved otherwise.

I don't like kids.

My way of communicating with people is with sarcasm, cheesy jokes, and endlessly quoting movies. Cheesy movies at that. I think I'm clever and have great comedic timing, but others tend to think I'm a jackass who's rude. They are of course, incorrect, but I'm all for people having opinions. [wink].

people without common sense are scary to me.

also-- if you don't know the words to the song "Gangstas Paradise".... I have no idea what you're doing with your life.

oh...and this might just be the whiskey talking, but I really love whiskey.

useless facts for the day: babies are born without kneecaps. bears don't poop during hibernation.

Moving along....

I LIKE:

• anything and everything weird

• crude and offensive humor

• weird stickers

• organizing things. I mean seriously-- anything organization oriented. I organize ALL THE THINGS.

• tactical everything. knifes. flashlights. knife shaped like credit card with a built in flashlight that can open a wine bottle and start your car. because tactical rhymes with practical.

• booze.

• solar dancing toys. Don't judge me.

• Betty White is my spirit animal and The Golden Girls are my squad goals.

• 80's movies.

• 80's movies with Chevy Chase in them. (If you've ever watched "Fletch", congratulations, we're now best friends. Call me.)

• flowers. digging in the dirt.

• I pay my kid with candy to rub my feet.

• I'd rather be outside. Except when I'm inside.

• booze.

• vintage things.

• retro things.

• small yard decorations.

• photography.

• family guy.

• archer.

• old school Disney movies.

• and some of the new ones my kid watches.

• except frozen. I've seen that movie enough to want to shove a spoon in my eye.

• the ocean.

• sea glass. absolutely LOVE sea glass.

• ocean inspired colors.

• rainbows and anything colored in rainbow order.

• teal / aqua / green minty colors.

• tarot

• crystals

• wine.

• cheese.

• trivia cards/games/books.

• if you have something, that every time you look at it you think "what the hell am I supposed to do with this?"......send it

I DON'T LIKE:

• spiders.

• tea.

• coffee.

• zoos or any place like a zoo that has animals in pins/cages. There is absolutely nothing "natural" about the habitats those places force animals to live in. I think it's cruel to take an animal that's used to roaming the land and put them in a 10x12 pin.

• don't even get me started on sea world. ever seen the movie BLACKFISH? I despise sea world.

• cigarettes.

• scary movies.

• the thought of my kid driving.

• sauerkraut. I mean--ewww.

• kid boogers. (and really ALL things booger)

• the new math they teach these kids

• the old math they taught us.

• mask

• 2020

• 2020

• adulting

-kids

WISHLIST:

• sea glass

-tarot

• astrology related things

-crystals / gemstones

• weird stickers

• those cheesy books of funny/useless facts.

• DIY catalogs / magazines (especially wood working)

• kites

• funny magnets

• friendships bracelets. cause we're best friends now-remember?

• winning lottery tickets

• a live-in nanny

• a chef

• a pair of fuzzy dice for my rear-view mirror.

DISCLAIMER: if you send any items from this list, I will assume that you love me and have agreed that we are indeed best friends.

I will always rate you. If I'm taking to long for you-remind me, please. The kid has not only stolen my energy, but also my memory. I think.
I don't know. I can't remember.
Hi, I'm Tom.

Before I go... the kid wanted me to share her dumbass joke with you....CUTE. I mean CUTE joke.

"why is the shirt yellow?
because it's not blue turtle!!!"

see. I told you. dumbass joke.

anyway-

WORD TO YOUR MOTHER.