T.I.T.S. Awful Erotica

Hello my lovelies. Do you enjoy a good tastefully written erotica now and then? Something dignified to read while you're in the bath? Maybe just some steamy romance novel? Well throw any hopes and dreams you have in the trash, we're writing shitty smut.

For this swap we will be sitting down and writing the worst erotica we can muster. You do not have to be an up and coming author to join this swap, just anyone with a sense of humor and minimal shame.

-- Your scene needs to be at least 250 words. If you have no idea how long that is, this description is at a hundred words already. (so not so long). If you're really into it, please reign yourself in at a thousand.

-- Your scene needs to be awful. I don't mean awful as in really raunchy, I mean awful as in comically written. Mix your metaphors, use shitty euphemisms, make the sex awkward, make the scene awkward, make the entire premise stupid as fuck.

-- Your swap needs to be typed and printed. (typewriter is a-ok) not handwritten

-- Your characters need to be CONSENTING HUMANOID ADULTS. other than that, gay, straight, bi, disembodied penis aliens from planet xxx, groups, whatever.

"Now, Met..." you may be thinking "how do I know if my erotica is shitty enough for this swap?"

Shitty is in the eye of the beholder, but if you're approaching this swap as a comedy, you are in the right mind.

Consider the following awful line:

"After they made love, he left her looking like a rose in the bedroom of a botanical fetishist, petals askew and stuck in place with a lot of fucking come."

This line is awful because it employs overused metaphors (vaginas are delicate flowers teehee) and twists them into something gross (come on a rose by the grave). It starts off sounding romantic and flails into terribleness.

Other ways to be terrible include:
bad descriptions "his balls smelled like those mexi fries they used to sell at taco bell and I was just longing to add some cheese sauce"
bad premises "He leaned close to her and whispered in her ear 'do you know why they call me Vlad the Impaler?'"
bad sex...

I think you guys get the idea. Just have fun and write something dumb.

I'll angel if I have to, I figure if you're in this group you're probably not a bad egg and sweet baby jesus you damn well better be a grown ass adult not bothered by colorful verbage.

bonus in the comments below, or via pm, let me know if anyone is interested in writing actually good sex scenes for a swap. This just seemed more fun an approachable to start with ^-^